Cindy Fox. September 17, at am. Excellent share! Yet for those married or planning to be no reason not to take action to turn things around. October 7, at am. Oh girl I hear you!! I could write you a book how parents on both sides can ruin a marriage. Great post on keeping the marriage strong. NEVER go to be angry with each other. October 9, at pm. October 10, at am. October 10, at pm. I LOVE this advice! They make so much sense! Lol thanks for sharing love!!!! Your email address will not be published. By using this form you agree with the storage and handling of your data by this website.
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Middle-aged Ros goes in for computer-dating and hanging out with her ridiculously too-good-to-be true gay friend when her marriage stalls and her mother dies. Found the author's constant explanations of her characters actions and back-stories tedious. The "I like that pina colada song" guy she contacts on a dating website sounds like her husband, her husband is there when she goes to meet her date, but it takes her aro Middle-aged Ros goes in for computer-dating and hanging out with her ridiculously too-good-to-be true gay friend when her marriage stalls and her mother dies.
The "I like that pina colada song" guy she contacts on a dating website sounds like her husband, her husband is there when she goes to meet her date, but it takes her around another fifty pages to realise that, yep, it is her husband. The story she is drip-fed of her mother's life in apartheid Africa is far more interesting, but that drama just didn't seem to fit in within the chick-lit woman-lit?
I gave this an extra star, however for Ros's light-bulb moment:"I know where the dead go. They move into the heads of their loved ones" Mar 20, Penny rated it liked it. This book is a light and engaging read that asks the question 'Can one resolve a relationship after it has gone? For Ros, there are a couple of relationships she needs to resolve - her difficult, yet close, relationship with her secretive mother, and the relationship with her husband, which breaks down after the death of her mother.
The story of Ros's mother growing up in South Africa in the 's is the true heart of this story, and is told through the use of a story her mother wrote for pub This book is a light and engaging read that asks the question 'Can one resolve a relationship after it has gone? The story of Ros's mother growing up in South Africa in the 's is the true heart of this story, and is told through the use of a story her mother wrote for publication which keeps appearing in her letterbox.
This reveals a side of her mother that she never knew, and gives her a a whole new perspective on the prickly, private person her mother was. The book veers off track a bit sleazy online dating encounters, staffroom gossip, a small story about the man next door who keeps dogs and can not read , but it was well-written and fast to read, with an interesting insight into what it was like to have a relationship with a black man during apartheid.
May 10, Athena Macmillan rated it it was amazing. You can tell when reading a book, whether or not the author is truly emotionally invested in what they have written. This book in particular is written with such a delicate poignancy that at times it feels almost autobiographical, or at least based in situations that she has experienced for herself. The vibrant characters and depth of their situations often had me chuckling and occasionally even brought a tear to my eye, though that also could have been allergies.
It features the changing relati You can tell when reading a book, whether or not the author is truly emotionally invested in what they have written. It features the changing relationship between mother and daughter with a scope that traverses continents and decades, and even the very border between the living and the departed, with delicacy and humor in a book that lingers long after the last page is turned. Nov 15, KarenV rated it liked it Shelves: , from-the-library.
It seemed disjointed to me, a bit of a slog to read and I wasn't sure about the characters. It picked up greatly when Ros, the main character, started finding out about her recently deceased mother Lilian's early life in apartheid South Africa and the last few chapters were genuinely moving. I would have liked to have read more abou 3. I would have liked to have read more about Lilian's life and less about Ros' attempts to "find herself" after the break-up of her marriage, personally. Definitely worth reading for the South African chapters - I now want to read more stories about SA under apartheid, as this is something I only know about very superficially.
Loved it!!!! I picked up this book and read a page and thought mmmm maybe not for me and left it on the bedside and read something else. I am glad I came back to it! What a great fantastically written story! I found myself thinking about the book while I was at work etc waiting to come home and finish it. It's a sad but light story about self discovery, letting go of passed loved ones and realizing you never really know your parents history. Keen to read more from this author. Apr 30, Yael rated it really liked it. I really enjoyed the book. Nice interwoven story between the past and the present.
Really beautiful emotional ending. As a South African, my own faults would be some spelling mistakes of South African things eg. Karoo spelt as Karroo and babootie instead of bobotie. But then maybe I'm just nit-picking! Apr 14, Sita rated it liked it Shelves: fiction. Refreshing take on mother-daughter relationship compared with the daughter's own relationship with everyone else. Got some bits of historical drama thrown in. I wished she had written more about the mother though as I think the mother's life is fascinating. The ending feels a bit rushed for me but satisfying read nevertheless.
Jul 26, Patricia Sands rated it really liked it. Is it worth the cost of arguing? Eventually your kids grow up, your obnoxious brother-in-law will join a monastery and your parents will die. You got it… Mr. You and your partner need to be the eye of the hurricane. They add up. Even cleaning up when you accidentally pee on the toilet seat seriously, someone said that — these things all matter and add up over the long run.
This seems to become particularly important once kids enter the picture. The big message I heard hundreds of times about kids: put the marriage first. Parents are expected to sacrifice everything for them. But the best way to raise healthy and happy kids is to maintain a healthy and happy marriage. A good marriage makes good kids. So keep your marriage the top priority.
Make time for it. Sex starts to slide. No other test required. I still remember back in college, it was one of my first relationships with a cute little redhead. We were young and naive and crazy about each other. And, because we happened to live in the same dorm, we were banging like rabbits. We fought more often, found ourselves getting annoyed with each other, and suddenly our multiple-times-per-day habit magically dried up. To my surprised adolescent male mind, it was actually possible to have sex available to you yet not want it.
It was almost, like, sex was connected to emotions. For a dumb year-old, this was a complete shocker. That was the first time I discovered a truth about relationships: sex is the State of the Union. If the relationship is good, the sex will be good. You both will be wanting it and enjoying it.
When the relationship is bad — when there are unresolved problems and unaddressed negative emotions — then the sex will often be the first thing to go out the window. This was reiterated to me hundreds of times in the emails. The nature of the sex itself varied quite a bit among couples — some couples take sexual experimentation seriously, others are staunch believers in frequency, others get way into fantasies — but the underlying principle was the same everywhere: both partners should be sexually satisfied as often as possible.
But sex not only keeps the relationship healthy, many readers suggested that they use it to heal their relationships. That when things are a bit frigid between them or that they have some problems going on, a lot of stress, or other issues i. A few people even said that when things start to feel stale in the relationship, they agree to have sex every day for a week.
Then, as if by magic, by the next week, they feel great again.
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The sooner everyone accepts that, the happier everyone is. We all have things we like to do and hate to do; we all have things we are good at and not so good at. TALK to your partner about those things when it comes to dividing and conquering all the crap that has to get done in life. Everyone has an image in their mind of how a relationship should work.
Both people share responsibilities. Both people manage to finely balance their time together with the time for themselves. Both pursue engaging and invigorating interests on their own and then share the benefits together. Both take turns cleaning the toilet and blowing each other and cooking gourmet lasagna for the extended family at Thanksgiving although not all at the same time. The fact is relationships are imperfect, messy affairs. Well, maybe if you had been listening, asshole. The common theme of the advice here was be pragmatic. If the wife is a lawyer and spends 50 hours at the office every week, and the husband is an artist and can work from home most days, it makes more sense for him to handle most of the day-to-day parenting duties.
My wife loves cleaning no, seriously , but she hates smelly stuff. So guess who gets dishes and garbage duty? Here honey, let me get that for you. On top of that, many couples suggested laying out rules for the relationship. To what degree will you share finances? How much debt will be taken on or paid off? How much can each person spend without consulting the other? What purchases should be done together or do you trust each other to do separately?
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How do you decide which vacations to go on? Have meetings about this stuff. She immediately told me not to laugh, but that she was serious. I think the most important thing that I have learned in those years is that the love you feel for each other is constantly changing. So even if you feel like you could never love your partner any more, that can change, if you give it a chance.
I think people give up too soon. You need to be the kind of person that you want your spouse to be. When you do that it makes a world of difference. Out of the hundreds of analogies I saw these past few weeks, one stuck with me. A nurse emailed saying that she used to work with a lot of geriatric patients. And one day she was talking to a man in his lates about marriage and why his had lasted so long. The key is understanding that few of those waves have anything to do with the quality of the relationship — people lose jobs, family members die, couples relocate, switch careers, make a lot of money, lose a lot of money.
Your job as a committed partner is to simply ride the waves with the person you love, regardless of where they go. Because ultimately, none of these waves last. And you simply end up with each other. I felt as if we were floating along, doing a great job of co-existing and co-parenting, but not sustaining a real connection. It deteriorated to the point that I considered separating from her; however, whenever I gave the matter intense thought, I could not pinpoint a single issue that was a deal breaker.
I knew her to be an amazing person, mother, and friend. I bit my tongue a lot and held out hope that the malaise would pass as suddenly as it had arrived. Fortunately, it did and I love her more than ever. So the final bit of wisdom is to afford your spouse the benefit of the doubt. If you have been happy for such a long period, that is the case for good reason. Be patient and focus on the many aspects of her that still exist that caused you to fall in love in the first place.
As always, it was humbling to see all of the wisdom and life experience out there. There were many, many, many excellent responses, with kind, heartfelt advice. It was hard to choose the ones that ended up here, and in many cases, I could have put a dozen different quotes that said almost the exact same thing. Exercises like this always amaze me because when you ask thousands of people for advice on something, you expect to receive thousands of different answers.
But in both cases now , the vast majority of the advice has largely been the same.
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It shows you how similar we really are. And how no matter how bad things may get, we are never as alone as we think. I would end this by summarizing the advice in one tidy section. But once again, a reader named Margo did it far better than I ever could. That means emotionally, physically, financially or spiritually.
Make nothing off limits to discuss. Never shame or mock each other for the things you do that make you happy. Write down why you fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary or more often. Write love letters to each other often. Make each other first. When kids arrive, it will be easy to fall into a frenzy of making them the only focus of your life…do not forget the love that produced them.
You must keep that love alive and strong to feed them love. Spouse comes first. Each of you will continue to grow. Bring the other one with you.
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Be the one that welcomes that growth. Be passionate about cleaning house, preparing meals and taking care of your home. This is required of everyone daily, make it fun and happy and do it together. Do not complain about your partner to anyone. Love them for who they are. Make love even when you are not in the mood. Trust each other. Give each other the benefit of the doubt always.
Be transparent. Have nothing to hide. Be proud of each other. Have a life outside of each other, but share it through conversation. Pamper and adore each other. Go to counselling now before you need it so that you are both open to working on the relationship together. Be open to change and accepting of differences.
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